


Redbull Gives You Wings

by GreyHaven



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Crack, Funny, Gen, Humour, M/M, NSFW, Subversive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 20:49:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10929777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyHaven/pseuds/GreyHaven
Summary: Haven is struck by a ridiculous Trouble.  Complete crack fic or subversively hilarious?  You decide :)Otherwise known as "Flying Dick Fic".  You have been warned ;)





	Redbull Gives You Wings

**Author's Note:**

> Some very NSFW ridiculousness.
> 
> I've shared this with some Haven friends (a group conversation prompted this fic to be written) and apparently it's funny so I'm posting it here. Enjoy :)

It was a warm sunny morning and the door to the Gull was open.  Duke was cleaning glasses and looked up as high pitched squeaking reached his ears.  He couldn’t see anything, but the noise was coming from somewhere.  He looked around and finally saw a...herd...of one eyed worm like creatures making their way across the floor towards the bar.  What the hell?  He looked more closely and his thoughts turned from what the hell into what the fuck?!  They were penises.  A herd of disembodied dicks had invaded his bar.  Backing away slowly, not sure what to make of this, he reached for his phone.  This had to be a Haven thing.

Rearing up, one of the dicks got his attention and proceeded to politely demand Redbull in a high pitched Alvin and the Chipmunks style voice.

Surely disembodied dicks couldn’t be dangerous, right?!  Still, it was Haven and _anything_ could happen.  Duke opened a can of Redbull and poured it into a shallow bowl, shaking his head and wondering what the actual buggering fuck he was doing.  He placed it on the floor and jumped backwards in alarm as he felt his own penis...well, detach.  There was no other word for it.  It wriggled down his leg and plopped out of the bottom of his jeans to join the others.

Oooookay.  This was not good.  This was very not good.  Briefly wondering if he should try to catch it, he realised he had no way of reattaching it _anyway_.  Sighing deeply, he dialled.

“Er, yeah, Nathan, you guys had better get down here.  What?  No, I _really_ can’t describe it, you’re just going to have to come and see if for yourself.  Why?  Because you won’t believe me if I tell you.  Just get here, _now_ .”  He tried to keep the edge of panic out of his voice because that was his actual penis, in a _herd_ of actual penises, apparently drinking Redbull from a bowl on the floor of his bar.

The penises were drinking slowly, the squeaking becoming more high pitched and excitable as the caffeine reached their...brains?  Did penises even have brains?  Oh god this was confusing.  And oh _fuck_ , what was happening now?!  Wings.  They were growing wings.  He could practically _hear_ David Attenborough narrating this in his head.

“And here we see the magnificent penis at its preferred watering hole.  We’ll just watch for a few moments and see it’s wings develop.  And look!  There it goes, soaring off to it’s new life.  Such an amazing spectacle.”

Nathan and Audrey arrived just in time to see the first of the penises sprout wings and fly away.  The others followed suit soon after and Duke was relieved they’d seen them with their own eyes because they _definitely_ wouldn’t have believed him if he’d tried to explain it.

“Trouble?”  Audrey asked with a glimmer of a laugh in her eyes, trying desperately to not giggle, knowing that this was likely to be a sensitive subject for the boys.

Nathan nodded, wondering if he could get to the bathroom to check that _his_ was still there and not off with the herd, or flock, or whatever you called a group of now-flying penises.

Duke glared at Audrey, challenging, daring her to laugh.  Didn’t she _understand_ how serious this was?

***

There were calls coming in about herds and flocks of disembodied penises.  Strangely there weren’t any calls from men complaining that they had lost theirs, but Audrey supposed _that_ was understandable.  There were herds of wriggling penises heading out in search of Redbull all over the town.  Most were very polite but they were clamouring for attention and those high pitched voices were incredibly annoying.  Fortunately most people were avoiding them and _not_ giving them Redbull, apparently _Duke_ had been the only one stupid enough to do that, and it looked like drinking Redbull was the only thing to give them wings.  The flying ones were more problematic.  They were _everywhere_ and they didn’t stay together, they seemed to latch onto one person but without knowing who the penises had belonged to, there was no way of spotting a pattern.  Once they’d found a person to attach themselves to, they flapped around, demanding attention.  If they were ignored, they became more persistent, nudging and squeaking.  So far there had been nothing _untoward_ , but still.  If they were given attention, they started drooling, tiny sperm shaped tongues hanging out of their mouths.

Audrey had a few flapping around her, but once she’d acknowledged them, they seemed content to just stay close to her.  There was a moment of rivalry between them, but once she told them to cut it out they settled again.

Nathan was less than pleased with the one attached to him, it seemed to be deliberately trying to provoke him and no amount of shouting at it or brushing it away would get rid of it.

“Just be nice to it, tell it you know it’s there and you’re very flattered but you need to talk to it’s owner,” Audrey told him, losing patience with the tuts and growls coming from Nathan’s corner of the office.

Nathan glowered at her from under his eyebrows.  Gritting his teeth he said, “I am _not_ having a conversation with a flying penis, now please help me and get rid of it.”

“I have three of my own to contend with, that one likes you, deal with it.”  She couldn’t contain her giggle this time.

If Nathan was annoyed, Duke was even _less_ pleased.  He phoned them, pleading with them to come and rescue him from the Gull.  

“It is _on my shoulder_.  How am I supposed to work like this?!  It’s lunchtime and I can’t go near the kitchen, or the bar, because there is an actual penis on my fucking shoulder!”

***

Further investigations threw up some new information.  Firstly, the only people with disembodied flying penises hovering around them were single.  That was something, at least there wouldn’t be any angry partners to worry about.  Secondly, the dicks only seemed to leave their men when the men had seen other disembodied penises, so that seemed to be how the Trouble was spreading.  At least they could prevent further disembodied dick-ness by telling everyone to stay home.

It was Dwight who figured it out in the end, shuffling awkwardly alongside Nathan and hissing out of the corner of his mouth.

“I’ve just recognised my...er...well it’s bugging...you know that waitress at the coffee shop?  I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to ask her out on a date…”

Nathan nodded, trying not to smirk at the thought of Dwight getting all flustered trying to ask her out.  Audrey had overheard and had a eureka moment.

“That must be how it works!  Dwight, you have to _ask_ her, hopefully that will sort things out.”

Dwight turned bright red.  “No, I can’t, what would I even say?  And what if that does work, then she’ll know my... _penis_...has been following her around all day.”

Nathan couldn’t contain himself any longer and let out a short laugh.  “I think she’s right.  Sorry Dwight.  Want a wingman?”

“No!  No, thank you, this is probably better if I go alone…”

***

Dwight came back half an hour later, looking infinitely more cheerful than he had when he’d left.

“Sorted?”  Audrey asked, diplomatically.

He nodded his reply and left before any more questions could be asked.

“Ok, so all we have to do is get the owners of the missing penises to confess to whoever they’re attracted to and it’ll be sorted.”

Nathan nodded slowly.  “That’ll be easier said than done.  Let’s start talking to people.”

Slowly, one by one, they persuaded each man to open up and actually _speak_ to the people they were attracted to.  In most cases the attraction was reciprocated, and where it _wasn’t_ , the recipient of the attraction let them down kindly.  There were a lot of relieved men walking around Haven that evening.

Nathan still had a flying penis zooming around him, squeaking excitedly.  He’d been ignoring it all day so at least it wasn’t actually _drooling_ like some of them had been.

Audrey patted him on the shoulder.  “Guess we’d better find out who that belongs to.”

Nathan glared back.  “And how exactly do you propose we do that?”

“No idea,” she replied, cheerfully.  “Want to go to the Gull and drink while we work it out?”  In fact, she did have an idea but she _definitely_ wasn’t going to tell Nathan that or she’d never get him there.

***

They found Duke in the office at the Gull, the flying penis still perched on his shoulder.  Apparently he’d given it attention because it was drooling and making occasional rubs against his neck.

“ _Please_ tell me you have this figured out,” he said as they came in.

Nathan stopped short, recognising the dick on Duke’s shoulder at the same moment that Duke turned bright red as _he_ recognised the one hovering around Nathan.

“What is my…?  Duke started, overlapping with Nathan saying “Why is my…?”

Audrey chuckled.  “I think I’d better leave you to talk.  Try not to kill each other.”  She backed out of the small office, suppressing a giggle until she was out of earshot.  Oh she wished she could be a fly on the wall but really, it was better to leave them to it.  She ordered a beer and waited.

Duke glared at Nathan.  “So how does this _Trouble_ work then?”  He spat out.

Nathan stared at the floor, mumbling out his answer.  “They attach themselves to people they’re attracted to, once you tell the other person, they...er, well anyway, that solves it.”

“And we have each others?”  Duke confirmed.

“Apparently so, yes.”  Nathan replied, faintly.

“Well, fuck.”  Duke let out a little laugh at that.  “This is going to be awkward.”

Nathan nodded.  “I thought maybe just _realising_ would be enough, but no, it looks like we’re going to have to actually say it.”

The penises seemed to be eyeing each other up, watching the other intently as their owners spoke, squeaking at each other when their owners lapsed into a sullen silence.

Duke broke it first.  “Fine,” he muttered.  Shaking his hair out of his eyes and putting on his most charming grin, he spoke.  “So, wanna fuck?”  

His dick immediately left Nathan and went back to Duke, zooming up his trouser leg and causing Duke to look surprised as it reattached itself.  Nathan’s was still lolling on Duke’s shoulder, looking very comfortable there.

Spluttering slightly, Nathan tried to reply.  “That’s hardly the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.  Date first?”  He watched as his dick made it’s way across and up the leg of his jeans, still drooling slightly.  He risked a peek, checking it was reattached and it was, back to normal and calm and quiet.

“Friday at 7?”  Duke asked quietly.  The urgency was gone now, but still, it looked as though they were both attracted to each other, they needed to explore that, right?

Nathan nodded and they joined Audrey at the bar.

“Sorted?”  She asked, relieved when they nodded.  Finally.  Finally they might put aside this ridiculous fighting and admit that they actually _liked_ each other.


End file.
